1. When you gaze into their eyes, you notice that their pupil is under conscious control, meaning that the consensual pupillary response is non-existent. You can check this casually by shining a flashlight in their eyes whilst you’re cuddling on the sofa
2. As you’re hiking together you settle down for a romantic picnic by the heather, but – oh no! – they’ve been scratched by a thorny bush. This is an ideal moment to check your partner’s lizard status, if when you look closely at their blood cells you notice that their erythrocytes are nucleated, elliptic, exhibit a translucent light pink-orange cytoplasm; they might just be a lizard! If you’re curious you could potentially work out their species by a survey of the differential leucocyte count!
3. Things are getting spicy, and you notice a row of femoral pores on the medial aspect of the thigh from which comes a waxy secretion of cellular debris – if this is something you relate to, chances are that your partner could be a lizard.
4. You’re lying out on the lawn, it’s a beautiful summer night and you can see a meteor shower raining down over your small suburban neighbourhood. Whilst your partner is distracted, thinking about whether they are overwhelmed by how quickly your parents welcomed them “into the family” when really they were just after a casual thing, you should check their skull to really find out if they’re a lizard. If you notice a movable quadrate bone, angular characteristics, and that their eyes are located quite far apart – they might just be a lizard!
5. Sometimes in love it can be hard to know where you stand, do they really like you like that or are they just another fleeting moment in your young life? If your partner is clearly signalling to you through the use of pheromones, bright colours, or even iridescent patches on their belly, that’s a clincher that they’re a lizard! If you’re still unsure, check out their throat in case there’s a brightly coloured patch, usually hidden between the scales, if it’s there then I hate to break it to you but your partner might indeed be a lizard.
If you are affected by any of the information in this article, or need further advice on whether or not your partner might be a lizard, The British Herpetological Society can be reached at email@example.com
Image: Sarah Gadd