This year’s cat-astrophe (thank you folks, we’re here all week!) concerns the estranged wife of Liberal Democrat MP John Hemming, Christine. Found guilty this week of burgling her husband’s girlfriend’s cat from the woman’s home in Birmingham, CCTV evidence from her trial shows the criminal stealthily creeping around and entering the victim’s home, then slipping off into the night with kitten Beauty tucked her one arm.

What could possibly be the cat-alyst (HAHAHA) for such a crime? Well, Christine Hemming’s motive is somewhat clearer than Ms Bale’s, if no more sensical. A wronged wife getting some small measure of vengeance against, in her mind, the husband-stealer and home-wrecker at the root of her marital strife? It’s a familiar story to us all, if misdirected towards a feline rather than a femme fatale.
However, there are many similarities in the two cases. Both culprits were middle-aged women. Both crimes took place in the Midlands. Both crimes were committed (need we remind you?) against cats. What is striking is the statements of both women regarding their crimes.
Bale: “I cannot explain why I did this, it is completely out of character and I certainly did not intend to cause any distress to Lola or her owners.”

Hemming: “I had no intention of stealing a cat – either before I went to the property, when I was at the property, when I left the property, and subsequently.”

Do you see?

If their statements are true, these women are to be pitied, not castigated. Hemming asserts that she went to the house to re-deliver post meant for her husband, when she was suddenly compelled to filch the feline. They are clearly both suffering from a very particular psychological condition that leads them to random cruelty towards cats and cat-owners. Or, perhaps, a sinister Solihull-based hypnotist is lulling these women into a state of cat-atonia (LAUGH, DAMN YOU, LAUGH) to sow discord and confusion among the British public (and those of the West Midlands in particular). It's anyone's guess, really.