Dear Art Doctor,

I woke up this morning with water pouring through my bathroom ceiling, right through the light fitting. I’m left with the difficult situation of having to either risk electrocution or shower in the dark, both of which aren’t very pleasant. We can’t get an emergency plumber. How can I be safe and hygienic?

Showering in the dark needn’t necessarily be unhygienic – you do, presumably, know where your various body parts are without having to look for them. Just in case, however, nudes could help you out. Instead of going for the obvious (Michelangelo and so on), I'd suggest you have a look at something like Degas’ Woman Drying Herself (particularly illuminating in the case of the location of your bottom) or, for a wider variety of anatomical features, William McCance’s The Awakening. Also, eighteenth-century anatomical engravings are informative in many ways, but may also leave you traumatised, so perhaps stay away from them if you're feeling sensitive.

That said, there’s an obvious solution here: candles. There’s a huge amount of candle-related art out there, but my favourite has always been El Greco’s An Allegory (Fàbula). Cast yourself as the monkey, with its wise, inquisitive little face. If anyone can find a solution to your problem, it’s this little guy. Or just go to the pound shop – you can get a lot of tea lights for your money.

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