EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Santa

This year has been a wild sleigh ride. Trump took office at the White House, Prince Harry is officially off the market and the paradox that is Theresa May revealed herself as distinctly un-naughty with her fields of wheat antics, but was somehow not nice either.

With all of this going on, you’d be forgiven for wondering if Santa was even going to bother turning up this Christmas Eve. Has he lost faith in the human race? Is Santa even human himself? Well don’t worry everyone, we’re delighted to announce that Santa came to talk to us at The Student to dispel all of our fears, discuss the naughty list, and talk about his love of modern capitalism.

The Student: Hey Santa! Great to finally meet you. Did you get here okay?
Santa Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Lovely to meet you too! The journey was a little rocky, what with the weather, but it’s nothing ol’ Rudolph can’t handle.

TS: Glad to hear it. So just before we get started Santa, I have to ask the question on everyone’s lips. Are we all on the nice list here at The Student?
SC: Yes, of course! Everyone who’s ever worked on The Student is on the nice list. Apart from Gordon Brown. I don’t trust a man who can’t admit to a favourite biscuit. Mine, for one, is a nice shortbread.

TS: Oh dear! So Santa, everyone is really excited to hear what you have to say about the festive season as it is today – it’s your first interview in a few hundred years, is that correct?
SC: It is! I just decided it was time to finally introduce myself to all of the wonderful people I’ve delivered presents to over the years. I know there have been sightings, people know what I look like, but what with all the tacky no-beards who so often impersonate me in department stores, I decided it was finally time for the world to meet the real me.

TS: Well thank you so much for choosing The Student out of all the newspapers in the world to say hello to the 21st Century! So let’s get down to it. What do you think about modern capitalism, Santa?
SC: I love it! Thanks to capitalism, I’m basically the Christmas Willy Wonka! I’ve built an empire while still managing to keep my hours down so I’m only working one month out of the year and, what’s more, because non-humans have recently been voted as insentient by the British Government, I don’t have to pay my elves a thing!

TS: That’s, uh… nice. Still, it’s good to know the elves really do exist. Do they enjoy making toys all year long? How are their working conditions?
SC: To be honest, elves aren’t all that clever. They see something sparkly and can’t resist it – I’ve never explained the concept of money to them, so they’re none the wiser to the fact they’re basically slaves. Isn’t that funny? Ho! Ho! Ho!

TS: ….okay. And how about the reindeer? Are they happy? Getting lots of carrots and oats all year round we hope!
SC: Of course: I collect up all the spare oats and carrots left for them on Christmas night and they get to eat them all year round! It really would be a waste otherwise, you know. Millions of carrots left out for only nine reindeer!

TS: Uh huh. And how do you live, Santa?
SC: Very well, thank you! Myself and Mrs Claus recently bought ourselves a private island in the Caribbean from money we saved on taxes in offshore accounts! The legal loopholes you get nowadays really are mind blowing!

TS: Right, well… I think we’ve got enough now. Thanks, Santa.
SC: You’re welcome! It’s been just wonderful to meet you all. I’ll see you in a few weeks! But you won’t see me, you’ll be asleep! Ho! Ho! Ho!

TS: Please leave.

Well I think we’ve all learned something today. Merry Christmas, folks.

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