Taylor Lautner’s abduction took place in 2008. A guerrilla gang of producers, tween girls and Stephanie Meyer forced the then 16-year-old ostensible non-actor into a prison labelled ‘Hollywood hearth-throb’ after he’d naively agreed to an initially minor role in Twilight.

“Sometimes I feel like a freak. I walk around like everyone else, but inside I feel different,” Lautner’s high-school drone Nathan informs his psychiatrist played by Sigourney Weaver. Has he realised he’s an avatar? No, he just suspects he’s been adopted, possibly because his parents, played furtively by Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello, can actually emote.

Confusing him further is the fact that everyone around him seems to act without motives, randomly attacking him, chasing him and regarding him as being in any way interesting. At one point Weaver appears miraculously in the hospital Nathan has just entered from behind a bouquet of balloons, then declaring, “I hate balloons.” Why would anyone hate balloons? We’re never told and the explanations that do come are patronising. Nathan is pursued due to his possession, saved in a text message no less, of some obscurely significant list of names; ‘Like a list of Facebook friends, kids!’ director John SIngleton seems to intone. At one point, even, the vaguely Eastern European baddie informs Nathan, “I’m going to kill every one of your Facebook friends.” When Nathan finally kisses his dreary cheerleader squeeze she promptly gets the shit kicked out of her; clearly this film is only pandering to the Twi-hards. Still, the unsubtly frequent close-ups of Lautner’s dead dead eyes spell no seduction, only ‘H-E-L-P!’. It’s too late Taylor, your game’s over.