Horoscopes: 14 March 2017

AQUARIUS

After demolishing two plates of Teviot nachos in a new PB of seven minutes and 42 seconds, you adopt a food baby. You name him Eric and you love him dearly.

SCORPIO

Have you ever noticed how sexually attractive wallpaper is? No, you haven’t. Because it’s not. Creep…

CANCER

After a long day in the library you decide that a trip to Lush is in order. You end up falling into the arms of a hunky tourist and bond over having flaky scalp.

GEMINI

It’s time to let your obsession with The Beatles die. Half of them are dead.

CAPRICORN

Rosetta Stone has a nasty habit of only teaching you how to say “I like buffaloes” in various languages.

ARIES

Nerves leave you paralysed and you end a first date with a fist bump. She finds it cute. You cringe all the way home.

SAGITTARIUS

Hats are not your friend.

TAURUS

Two for one on baking paper may seem like a good deal at the time, but you soon learn that you hate baking and Mary Berry.

LEO

Don’t wait for them to make the first move. Next time you see them, tell them that they are the best thing the world. Better than sliced bread. Better than free healthcare. Better than Fanta Fruit Twist.

PISCES

Just because your Instagram of a puppy got 36 likes does not make you special. Katy Perry got over 300,000 for some quinoa in her teeth. Relax.

VIRGO

It is never too early to start putting on sun cream. It might be Edinburgh and still be cold, but you know that you can get burnt from lightbulbs. Don’t try to kid yourself.

LIBRA

Seeing someone being hit by a car annoys you more than it alarms you. Are you a bad person? No, you’re just desensitised to the realities of life.

Image: barnimages.com via Flickr

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