Horoscopes: 22 March 2017

AQUARIUS

Your flatmates use your trip to the hospital as an excuse to get drunk in public. It sounds fun at first, but the puns of ‘Ale & E’ get tired very quickly.

SCORPIO

It’s time to host a flat party. It starts well but your neighbour decides to shut it down before midnight, leaving you left with a ton of booze, but no friends.

CANCER

A small superglue disaster results in you being stuck to a picture frame for a day.

GEMINI

Someone has taken your seat in the library! How dare they sit where you have spent so many miserable hours? A fight to the death is the only way to settle this.

CAPRICORN

A dog in the meadows looks like it wants to be your friend. The owner thinks otherwise but you know that one day you will be reunited.

ARIES

You have a minor breakdown when you realise that your wardrobe is made up of just one cardigan in a variety of different colours. But they are just so snug…

SAGITTARIUS

After a drunken dare, you decide to buy the internet domain name of ‘www.elephantspretendingtobecoconuttrees.com’.

TAURUS

The development of an irrational fear of the colour yellow makes you scared of tropical VKs.

LEO

Stop trying to second guess yourself and expect the expected. It won’t be so bad.

PISCES

Using niche Oasis lyrics to conclude your essay makes you feel like you’re playing a cheeky joke on the marker.

VIRGO

People are shocked to discover that you are not a fan of tea. Despite your desperate attempts to convince people that you are still decent human being, a riot breaks out on the street.

LIBRA

You come home to find your flatmate chained to the fridge wearing nothing but a tea towel. Leave them there; it’s not your problem.

Image: Duhita Das

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