Horoscopes: 8th March 2017

AQUARIUS

You discover Aldi’s chocolate crunch cereal, and promptly treat yourself to 12 boxes of the sugary goodness. After five straight weeks of the same breakfast, it will begin to look like a terrible decision.

SCORPIO

Inspired by Straight Outta Compton, you and your flatmates form a rap collective, comprising of ‘Young Delicious’, ‘Clever Duncan’, and ‘MC Klova’.

CANCER

When your friends set you up with a hunk from their Archaeology 1B tutorial, you hope that this could be the start of a beautiful university relationship. This dream dies when you find he sleeps with a pet rat called Keirat Knightley.

GEMINI

You find a dollar on the floor of Teviot. It may not seem like much, but it the smiling face of George Washington reminds you that everything is going to be alright.

CAPRICORN

Your drunk flatmate calls you from the top of Arthur’s Seat saying they need help getting down. You begrudgingly do so. You are a good person. 

ARIES

Don’t shave your head. It won’t look good. You’ll look like an idiot.

TAURUS

Smile at a stranger. It will either unsettle them or make their day. Both are nice for you.

LEO

A hungover trip to Snax results in a hilarious adventure involving trees, leather whips, an avocado, and a police horse called Gerald.

SAGITTARIUS

You will be trapped in a continuous nightmare where you are stuck on a train full of people clipping their toenails.

LIBRA

You’ve been putting off going to the STI clinic for too long now. It’s worth getting some peace of mind. Plus, you can treat yourself to brunch afterwards for being such an adult.

PISCES

Really commit to your slow cooker. Nothing tastes better than a chili that has been slowly festering in its own juices for seven hours. Just don’t overdo the cumin.

VIRGO

Faulty batteries result in a carbon monoxide alarm at 2am resulting in a very stern talking to from the fire brigade. It will be the last time that two of your flatmates ever speak.

Image: Claudia Dia via Flickr

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