Dear Editors,

I must protest the horoscope (Cancer) which appeared on page 17 of The Student [published January 24], regarding The Journal and our newsgathering methods. Your slanderous cosmology has had a detrimental effect on our pursuit of any such scoops - the existence of which we can neither confirm nor deny - because now everyone has changed their voicemail passwords and we have a deadline coming up.

I demand that you immediately withdraw your libellous prediction, and print a retraction informing all relevant parties that everything is alright and that it is now safe to reset their passwords to ‘0000’ so that we can all get on with the business at hand. If you do not, we may be forced to pursue astrolegal action.

Yours,
Marcus Kernohan
Nincompoop-in-chief, The Journal

PS. Also, we are not ‘slimey’. And if we are occasionally slimy, I would ask that you acknowledge this as a private matter, between us and our loved ones.

PPS. We tried to “go whine about it to the Leveson inquiry”, but Hugh Grant has it booked up until Christmas.