The Student Music section officially apologise after saying some terrible, terrible things about Bon Jovi

AN APOLOGY

Is This News? was not featured in last weeks issue after Student received literally hundreds of complaints regarding some juvenile and deeply offensive comments about Bon Jon Jovi in this column in our 21 October issue. On behalf of the whole team at Student I would like to take this opportunity to apologise deeply to all those Bon Jon Jovi fans who were offended. Our comments were made in poor taste and without concern for the feelings of others, for which we can only offer the excuse of drunkenness.

Although the initial publication of the remarks brought no complaints at all, our comments were later quoted in the influential Bon Jon Jovi Weekly. This brought a wave of incensed complaints from people who have never read our paper and aren’t entirely sure who we are or what we do, but were very sure they were grievously offended. They demanded action. Understandably, the Student editorial team took swift and fair action, suspending the entire Is This News? team and summarily executing the author in question, the infamous Andrew Chadwick.

We at Is This News? now recognise that we were wrong to write mildly offensive comments in the anticipation that our usual audience would find them funny. We recognise that cynical old hacks attempting to whip up hysterical frenzies of self-righteous outrage can take our words out of the context of our publication and show them to exactly the sort of Bon Jon Jovi fans who would find them offensive. And we now realise that the fundamental, perhaps only, rule of comedy is not to offend old men.

We are all terribly sorry, Bon Jon Jovi.

In the spirit of this apology, we would like to present the replacement for Is This News?: Isn’t This Nice?

News reaches us that Queen of Pop Madonna tried to tie husband Guy Ritchie into a marriage contract that arranged sexual relations between the pair weeks in advance. We think that’s a superb idea for adding stability and structure to a marriage, and anyone who thinks she’s a vicious old harpy is deeply mistaken.

Our LA correspondent sends word that Joaquin Phoenix is planning to quit acting to focus on his music career. The actor, famous for his roles in Walk the Line and Gladiator, is reported to be working on a project with Charlatan’s frontman Tim Burgess. Anyone who dreamed of mentioning something like fellow Gladiator star Russell Crowe’s underwhelming acoustic rock band Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts or other failed Hollywood-Music transitions by the likes of Keanu Reeves, Steven Seagal and Scarlett Johanssen, well, they’d just be plain nasty.