Premier League Predictions: Month by Month

Phil Smith and Gurjot Thind

 

August – The Premier League kicks off, and Manchester United trail Swansea 1-0 at half time, as Jonjo Shelvey scores direct from a corner. A concerned Louis Van Gaal again drops his pants in an attempt to assert his authority. It backfires, however,  as Rafael and Chris Smalling are taken to hospital having suffered severe trauma. Fabio takes advantage of the confusion to sneak on the pitch in his brother’s place, before receiving a red card for a two footed challenge on Leroy Lita, who is warming up on the touchline at the time.

 

Liverpool, meanwhile, make a flying start to their campaign at Southampton, whose squad is so depleted that Artur Boruc takes to the field as a false number nine. Brendan Rodgers buys him for 20 quid and a bag of Prawn Cocktail crisps at half time, however, and the Reds make advantage of the extra man to win 3-0.

 

September –

Odemwingie-Beacon

September sees the Premier League still coming to terms with the shocking developments of deadline day. Harry Redknapp, having had bids for Sami Khedira and Wesley Sneidjer rejected, makes his move. Peter Odemwingie agrees a last minute move from Stoke City, but there is despair when his car breaks down five minutes from the training ground. Sky cameras capture the drama as the transfer fails to be completed, and #justiceforpeter becomes the 14th highest worldwide trending topic.

 

 

 

Disaster strikes at Sunderland, too. The deal for Fabio Borini has dragged on for so long that Gus Poyet forgets he even launched a bid in the first place. Jon Stead returns to the club on an emergency loan. Unfortunately, everyone remembers that he isn’t very good.

 

October –

Soccer - Coca-Cola Football League Championship - Stoke City v Sunderland - Britannia Stadium

The Premier League sack race claims its first victim, as Paul Lambert leaves Aston Villa. Numerous disputes between the manager and his number two Roy Keane leave no choice but for a deciding, Motherwell Rules fight. Roy Keane settles the contest with a Glasgow kiss.

 

 

 

 

Liverpool’s return to the Champions League goes well, with a last minute equaliser from Martin Kelly rescuing a point against FC Kobenhavn. A jubilant Brendan Rodgers praises his players for ‘evoking the spirit of Istanbul.’

 

November – Chaos at St James Park. Their plethora of new signings have made an immediate impact, and the club are sitting pretty in fourth position. However, a panorama programme presented by Shola Ameobi reveals that the signings were financed not by owner Mike Ashley but by wonga loans. Thankfully, PSG intervene and purchase the entire French contingent in order to meet their homegrown quota.

 

December – The christmas programme brings with plenty of games and an extraordinary run of scoring form for the enigmatic Nicklas Bendtner, who has signed for struggling West Brom on a free transfer. After his 7th goal in 3 games, Bendtner lifts his shirt to reveal a tattoo of the ‘Christ the Redeemer’ statue, with Alan Irvine’s face in place of Jesus’.

 

Andy Carroll finally makes his long awaited return to action in a West Ham United shirt. His comeback does not last long, however, as he punches the corner flag a la Tim Cahill after his mate Kevin Nolan scores a penalty. Carroll dislocates his shoulder in the process, and his season is over.

 

January – Joey Barton hits the headlines again as he brands Roy Hodgson a ‘crypto-facist’ on Twitter.

 

FIFA announce they have improved the ‘vanishing spray,’ which can now remove a player from games for a fifteen second period. Michael Carrick agrees to trial the product. It is an overwhelming success.

 

February – Arsenal’s title challenge is unravelling fast. Per Mertesacker accidentally plays for the entire month with a torn hamstring, but he is so slow to begin with that no one actually notices. The nadir comes as a Gabriel Agbonlahor scores more goals in one game than in his entire career previous. (He scores twice.)

 

Meanwhile, Tim Howard is taking his newly found superhero status to new heights at Goodison Park. He prevents an assassination attempt on Hilary Clinton before saving a penalty from David Nugent. Twitter goes mad, wondering if there is any end to his talents.

 

March – Stoke City win the Capital One Cup, dominating the final against Tottenham with 87% possession. The game goes down in the history book as the day the world is introduced to the ‘Walters Waltz,’ as Jonathan Walters Cruyff turns Paulinho three times in a row before chipping Michel Vorm in the Spurs goal, who isn’t really sure why he is there.

 

April – An astonishing resurgence sees Aston Villa secure safety, with Kieran Richardson’s endless, remarkable versatility earning a call up to Roy Hodgson’s England squad in the problem right back position. Roy Keane wins Manager of the Year, but swiftly leaves the club under a cloud as he promptly takes his trophy and assaults Aly Cissokho with it.

 

Sunderland beat Manchester City 1-0, despite Lee Cattermole earning three red cards in the game.

 

 

May – John Terry is captured on camera at the end of a pivotal win against Manchester United screaming ‘We Go Again.’ He slips however, in the next game, and gives away the Premier League. From nowhere, Stoke City have won the League/Cup double. Mark Hughes promptly awards himself a Knighthood and leaves to become a Middle East peace negotiator. Jonathan Walters wins the Golden Boot, despite missing 22 penalties over the course of the season.

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