OK, NewsJack must admit that spotting this particular headline is as probable as a Santa sighting, but potatoes, in their various guises, long a key part of our Christmas dinners, are facing troubled times in Ireland (really? again? – Ed). Research has been commissioned into their falling popularity as they steadily lose their traditional market share.

Though this may not be such a harmful thing for the nation’s identity as many fear, as insensitive foreigners will continue to snigger “potato, potato, potato” at the sight of any of the descendants of Eire, it marks a worrying lack of Christmas spirit in evidence today.

This lack of respect for traditional seasonal values, overconsumption, overspending, and all round shopaholicism, is no laughing matter. And with the threat of Eurogeddon on the horizon, this is no time for complacency. To increase demand and tackle unemployment, every man, woman and child must do their duty, wheel out the forced cheer, and get spending like there’s no tomorrow.

A memo has been passed to NewsJack which shows that the cabinet are in crisis talks to avert this dire economic situation. Santa hats are being distributed to Cabinet Ministers, to lead the manufactured cheer by example. Osborne ordered banks to a meeting this Friday to thrash out the details of a new scheme whereby credit cards will be distributed through schools, universities and workplaces, in a bid to ensure the population pulls no punches during this month’s Christmas spree and in the January sales.

Michael Gove’s plan to send out a new copy of the Bible to every state school is being brought forward – schools should receive them by the end of the week. Meanwhile, the Leveson inquiry is to cease airing the press’s dirty laundry and recreate the story of Love Actually.

Of course, scrooges are already reeling out the old lines about how a festive spending bubble will only lead to a debt crisis after the wrapping paper’s cleared, but that hasn’t stopped the government burdening future graduates with astronomical debts, purportedly to reduce the public deficit, so who cares? Tis the season to buy Brollies! No need for sensible spending on anything useful... after all – it’s Christmas!