Bryan Swanson, with his face like a condescending Quaver, is gently tapping his iPad. Like Mozart dressed by Burton he nimbly fingers his way through each football club’s bank balance and ruminates on potential transfers with a dense grin of constipated joy.

It’s January. So Sky Sports News has gone mad. And I love it.

Yes, for one month at the beginning of every year, Sky Sports HQ switches from a well-lit hanger for cleavage and county cricket updates into a curious land of gossiping do-gooders, in which each proposed footballing move is dealt with by a curious mix of mania and reverence.

Imagine a news reporter having to announce that he’d witnessed the Queen die in front of his eyes. Very sad. But if he’d witnessed it whilst she was riding a tandem with a masturbating alien? Very funny. That sort of half-HOLY FUCK, half-measured solemnity is part and parcel of the Sky Sports News presenters’ Transfer Window Handbook. Along with “Casually Flirt Between Stories So That Derby County’s New Loan Signing Doesn’t Seem As Dull As It Is” and “Believe Whatever Twitter Says”.

Indeed, the scope for Sky Sports' ‘Official Sources’ is probably quite considerable; though the implication is that the rumoured signing has come from an agent or someone ‘in the know’, more often than not, it’s probably from a wily whizz kid with a copy of When Saturday Comes, a strawberry milkshake and a whole bunch of followers on Twitter. But does Sky Sports News care? Does it balls!

If there’s an opportunity to get the yellow snake that wriggles along on the bottom of the screen to flash and shout, then that’s enough for a usually blonde, usually unnervingly cheery female presenter to spark into life and switch to the man we started with.

Bryan Swanson. A man who spends his life standing next to a giant screen, with giant players smiling giant smiles, signing for tiny clubs for tiny fees. The shittest Gulliver ever. I wonder what Bryan Swanson does in his spare time. Or whether he’s simply always standing in his iCorner, with his iPad, an iDickhead, gleefully deceiving the British public with a hubbub of soccer slander. Perhaps his shoes are glued to the spot and he’s only fed and watered after offering a decent sound bite on Nottingham Forest’s chances of a new player.

I’m presuming this is true, and the only way to end his plight is if football teams stop buying players. So I urge the football league to stick with what they’ve got this transfer window, before Swanson really loses it, get’s his iChest out and sings “TO THE WINDOOOOOW, TO THE WALL” directly down the camera lens.

*Shudder*