NewsJack loves censorship. We like our airwaves clean and our newsprint as pure as the driven snow. In that spirit, we are wildly admiring of the Pakistani government, whose newest concern (in addition to obstinately continuing to fund the remnants of the Taliban scattered around the Afghan border) is the rude words that may be being transmitted from the 100 million mobile phones of the Pakistani populace.

Working with local service providers, the Pakistani government hopes to prevent mobile phone users from sending some 1,500 banned words and phrases in both English and Urdu. The ingenuity of those compiling the list of undesirable words and phrases is truly to be admired; more than 50 potential uses of the word ‘fuck’ will be ruled out, as well as 33 for ‘cock’, 17 each for ‘tit’ and ‘butt’ and eight involving the word ‘foot’.

Not content with regulating questionable constructions including parts of the human anatomy, the use of metaphor and euphemism will be aggressively tacked, with such shockers as ‘crotch rot’, ‘beat your meat’, ‘flogging the dolphin’ and ‘love pistol’ coming under the regulators’ eagle eye. The list is not at all authoritative quite yet, with scope for future additions in both English and Urdu as well as in minority languages such as Punjabi.

This is, no bones about it, a fantastic and revolutionary idea. ‘Txtspk’ is already a blight to all of us who know the joy of a properly spelled and punctuated message. Combine that with a worrying tendency to send sauce and smut by text, and what you end up with is a mangling of morality as well as a lynching of language.

Just think if we implemented this in the UK. Overnight we might see a revival of tea dances and whist drives in place of raves and all-night orgies. Pretty print dresses, bowler hats and shirtsleeves would be the outfits of choice - goodbye hoodies, denim belts and stripper heels. Crime would fall dramatically, everyone would have jobs and our economic growth would reach an all-time high. With an inability to transmit our filthiest thoughts, Brits would have nothing better to do than pull together as a nation and sort ourselves out. NewsJack highly recommends that we adopt such a programme at once! Our national reputation is at stake!

And to all those that disagree, I say, ‘monkey crotch’!