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| Games in 2069: a forecast |
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All the images for this article were created by Craig 'Photoshop God and soon to be almighty ruler of The Student' Wilson. SimCity 9000
This latest title in the series simulates the challenges of running a successful city in the year 2030. As Mayor of Simsville, your duties include improving public transport, suppressing freedom of speech and quelling riots, harvesting seagulls to feed a starving population and stopping ‘The Infected’ from breaching the security walls and feasting on the brains of your residents. Tech’s verdict: “The most realistic SimCity yet!”
Tiger Woods’ PGA Moon Tour 2069
Tiger Woods may be 94, but that doesn’t stop him from playing a mean 18 holes of cybernetically enhanced golf. In a series first, the Moon has been rendered in its entirety (avoid the bunkers). The new Crater Wedge club, laser guided aiming and 64 player multiplayer deathmatch all add to the excitement. Tech’s verdict: “Innovative, but lacking in atmosphere”
Real Tournament
In the future, growing population limits have led game developers to take drastic measures. In the groundbreaking Real Tournament, players killed in game are murdered in real life and the footage is beamed directly onto your screen. The stakes of combat have never been higher. Shock! As you electrocute your opponents with the Shock Rifle. Awe! As you blow them to chunks with a rocket launcher. Wonder! Where your foes disappear when you shoot them with a teleportation device. There can be only one champion… no, seriously. Tech’s verdict: “Amazingly life-like graphics and voice acting!”
Mr Miyagi’s Karate Training: How Strong is your Chi?
Daniel-san, you may have defeated the Cobra Kai gym, but you’ve never been able to train yourself while on the bus or toilet! Utilising the power of the nuclear-powered Nintendo DS3 to reanimate Pat Morita, Karate Training will let you master the deadly Crane Kick and improve your car waxing skills. Tech’s verdict: “Unlike Captain Planet’s Environmental Awareness Training, the power is genuinely yours with this superb package”
Wii Drain: Interactive Power Meter
This innovative Wii game accurately measures the amount of power you’re wasting by using the Wii instead of playing a real games console. Use motion-sensing controls to render very complicated scenes, increasing the juice being drained. Sync wirelessly (and needlessly) to DS Battery Drainer for even higher scores! Tech’s verdict: “So intense it’ll make your lights flicker and boil your kettle”
The Halo Scrolls: Call of Gears of Warcraft Hero
Now you can recreate the fun of playing your favourite video games without the skills required, using an overpriced peripheral! Match the coloured floating boxes on-screen by pressing the Playstation TM Dual Shock 3 Controller Simulator to jump, headshot, teabag and insult someone’s mother or sexual orientation. Tech’s verdict: “Great graphics, sound and gameplay. 5/5”
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Sea levels rising, mass starvation, and really good graphics: we travel through time to bring you the future of games.





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