While Two and a Half Men has always enjoyed high ratings, the controversy surrounding the departure of the show's biggest star, Charlie Sheen, has made the premiere of season nine unmissable television.

The results are somewhat disappointing. Beginning at the funeral of Charlie Harper, viewers are presented with a tirade of the utterly predictable one-liners that define the show's humour. The explanation for Harper’s death is unremarkable and no one seems to have been affected by the death beyond the change in circumstances.

This may be show creator Chuck Lorre’s attempt to trivialise the role of Sheen and reaffirm his absence as inconsequential. Suggesting that Charlie’s friends and family would not have any issues about this is not believable, however – especially his live-in brother Alan who merely seems to lament his diminishing standard of living, neglecting the previous eight years of care he had given him.

The other half of the equation is the introduction of the new man in Two and a Half Men, Walden Schmitt, an emotionally immature internet billionaire, who stumbles onto the set just long enough to become acquainted with Alan Harper and buy his late brother's old house.

Schmitt is played competently by Ashton Kutcher, and although the idea of Kutcher being the best part of anything may be rather depressing, the novelty of Schmitt’s character is easily the highlight of the series so far.

It’s a shame that the changes are so unremarkable, but the fans of the show are going to get what they’ve always got from Two and a Half Men. The jokes are shallow and predictable and the story is unexceptional yet unrelatable at the same time. If the show didn't have such successful ratings it wouldn’t be worth saving in such a way. Chuck Lorre could take all the material from Two and a Half Men and find a place for it in another one of his other sitcoms such as Big Bang Theory; no one would be likely to notice.

With Sheen's character gone and many of the remaining characters exhausted after eight seasons, there doesn’t seem to be any direction in the world of Two and a Half Men, or indeed any reason to continue with it other than that it is still a money spinner for Comedy Central.

The show is like a zombie that vomits millions of dollars; the best thing to do is to shoot it in the head and say no to the cash - but alas, no one has... yet.